day of flight... grandcher ver.04

//Saturday, November 29, 2003//

Saturday afternoon. I was hoping to find my lil step-brothers around and my dad as well, but it seems that they have left me alone in the house. Well there was the maid around, but what can that do?

And so I just spent the whole afternoon playing cRO. When I got tired... I talked to mommy Tere in YM (well currently talking now). She seems to be the only person I can talk to "normallY" online nowadays. I'm glad she uh "introduced" some guy from Prince of Tennis, who looks so much like my dear Sasarai-sama ^_^ Waaiii Fuji Syusuke-san *glomps* ^_^

I thought the rest of the day would be dull... waaiii Fuji-san ^_^

Sasarai: ¬_¬

Ehehehe... gomen ne Sasa-chan. *glomphuggles* ^_^

Gah! Me and my polygamous nature... @_@

~Ruzenka took flight on 20:04

//Friday, November 28, 2003//

A week ago, before I left for Baguio, I had this horrible, horrible feeling that I was going to die soon. Everything I did days before that always lead to me thinking, this might be the last time I will do this. Weeks before that even, I felt that gloom getting stronger and stronger. Everytime I rode the FX going home, thoughts of my passing incessantly filled my mind.

A lot of instances reminded me of that as well. The night before that, a friend sent me a message through SMS, telling me to enjoy my trip. It also had a joke about something we talked about days before that. I didn't think of it badly days before that, but when I received that message I felt I had to take that joke back. So I did. It was about, enjoying my stay in a cemetery.

I also asked a few of my friends to come visit me in my house. I had to make myself avoid thinking of death and enjoy the company for a while. If it weren't for them visiting me, I think I would have nightmares all throughout my sleep. Kaya Kuya Y, Kuya F-cup, and Ate Tia, maraming salamat sobra. Hindi nyo alam kung gano ako ka desperado magkaroon ng kausap noon.

Also that day, I went to my grandma's office to ask for my allowance for the week. We were eating lunch, and I had that terrible feeling again that it might be the last meal I'm going to eat on that table. When I was finished with my food, I told my grandma that I should go home already so I can start packing things for that night. She asked me to stay a little while... she said "baka madapa ka, maghintay ka lang pag natapos na ako kumain" . It was as if she knew how nervous I was that day... and I did stay, until she told me I could go.

Another thing that day, I asked my dad to take me to my mom's house before I leave for baguio. We were running out of time and I was hoping to buy some waffles for the trip. But my dad said something like - "wag na, may lakad pa ko, di ka naman mamamatay kapag wala kang waffles". And so I just followed what he said.

And when I went to my mom, I wanted to give her the letterhead she asked me to do. And also, I told her I was going to give her a little gift (a keychain my mom wanted). And she said to me... "anak, wag kang ganyan. sasusunod mo na ibigay, wag lang ngayon." And then I realized, the way I said those things, it seemed like my final gift to her.

when she said that to me, I couldn't help but tell her how I was feeling. It was scary, I have never been so scared in my life about it. Before when I was hospitalized when I was young, I knew I had half a chance of living, but I wasn't scared. In fact I enjoyed my stay in the hospital. But those days before I left... never I had been so nervous before. I love travelling and going to places, and being homesick was a normal thing for me. I mean, I do get homesick a lot, but this last homesickness? It was different.

And so I promised my mother that next week, I would give her the letterhead she was asking for. Just so she could calm down. And for me to calm down as well. And then I left that night for the AdCongress.

When I was on the bus, and everyone seemed to be asleep - and I think I was about to as well, the bus swerved left and right like crazy. That kept me awake the whole trip. And I poured everything that I felt to my bus seatmate, Glenn. And then, I was finally relieved of everything I felt. That trip too, the bus seemed to stay more often on the left lane than the right lane while we were on the curvy roads. But I guess, since I already talked to someone about it, and prayed to God too much ( it could never be too much really, just a lot). And I just left it on His hands. I felt fine.

I really think everytime I counter my intuition, it will never happen. And everytime I know my intuition is right and cannot be changed, it will happen. Sigh... but I was thankful. I think if God never reminded me of the words I said, and if I wasn't mindful of what was happening. It would have happened.

Then, last night... I thought, what if it did happen.

And the only people that came to my mind was my family. I think my dad would've been hospitalized of heart attack, my siblings would have been really worried and scared. I don't want that to happen. I have so many plans for my family. I want to work soon so I can help my dad support the family. I also want to help my mom a lot. Even though I may be a mean older sister to my siblings, I want to support them as much as I can. I was thinking, I can't die yet, I still have to help them. My sisters are still too young for any responsibility. And my parents' love lives are still wrecked as ever. I can't leave them yet.

And I want to prove something that I am not going to be some worthless "palamunin". My grandmother, she expects great things from me, I think. I have to repay everyone of the goodness they have given me and taught me. I want to show them that even if a lot of things happened to me already, I am not going to give up, and that I was raised by them well. But why in the world would I do that. I don't think I am going to get any benefit from that. But maybe because, I just want to see people happy. My friends, I haven't done much good to them. I don't know how to. I honestly think, that if I were friends with myself, I'd be irritated by my presence. Because the only thing I did was to annoy people. Some are even scared of me... *smacks mommy Tere if she ever reads this*

I don't know why I'm thinking like this. All of this in half an hour. This entry has gone from death, to life, to future, to friends. I don't think I'll ever write like this again. Well, maybe not in a long while.

If anyone actually read this crap, thanks for bearing with me.

~Ruzenka took flight on 17:53

//Thursday, November 27, 2003//

You know those times you don't have anything to say really, and don't have anything in mind to ponder or talk about... but you just want someone - anyone for that matter, to listen to you? To listen to your silence? Maybe it was just the presence of some being you're yearning for...

I love silence, for it screams the loudest feelings. But what is it for, when no one else would hear the piercing agony of muted cries.

Anyway, lyrics to ponder again =_=

Greenwaves
by Secret Garden

I remember a meadow one morning in May
With a sky full of dreams that sailed in that day
I was dancing through green waves of grass like the sea
And for a moment in time I could feel I was free

There are waves of forgiveness and waves of regret
And the first waves of true love I'll never forget
In the meadow that morning as I wandered alone
There were green waves of yearning for life still unknown

Chorus:
Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart
Where the waves reach as far as you can see
Take me home to the meadow, we've been too long apart
I can still hear you calling for me

What I'd give to remember that heavenly state
Just a moment in time all mine to create
As I'm taking my last breath I know what I will see
There'll be green waves forever out there waiting for me

Angel_Of_Dreams

Dreams

?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

~Ruzenka took flight on 23:21

//Wednesday, November 26, 2003//

Some questions I got from Q's blog o.o And then I answered it.

last cigarette: er... I did try it um 4 years ago... but it was just once, so that wouldn't count o.O
last kiss: uh... my parents? before I left home today o.o
last good cry: um, I don't remember really, a few weeks ago?
last library book(s) checked out: Some book about Children's Literature o.O
last movie seen: Wrong Turn.
last cuss word uttered: Tangina... errm...
last drink: Cali Shandy
last food consumed: Belgian Waffles
last crush: Sasarai-sama ^_^
last phone call: I don't remember, hardly anyone calls me now o.O
last tv show watched: Some show off MTV
last time showered: around 2 pm today///
last shoes worn: my black, flood-proof platform shoes
last cd played: Do As Infinity - True Song
last item bought: a silver bracelet with a fairy thingy attached to it
last downloaded: err... I don't remember...
last annoyance: College Week parade :/
last thing written: reaction paper about the adcongress
last sleep: this morning...
last chatted with: Gail - my mommy...
last sexual fantasy: uh... o.O
last weird encounter: um I dunno, probably having the intuition that I'm gonna die soon...
last ice cream eaten Caramel Sundae from McDonalds...
last time amused: freebies galore - AdCongress
last time wanting to die: uh, I never wanted to die, I'm not that kind of person, I'd rather let the other people die instead of me...
last time hugged: I dunno... a long time ago o.O
last time scolded: by a professor, who got mad at me for transferring to another place without asking persmission
last chair sat in: uh the chair i'm sitting on now o.O well, and the chair from Gail's house...
last shirt worn: a green shirt I got from ukay-ukay...
last poster looked at: Master and Commander poster somewhere...
last show attended: uh, some show at the AdCongress
last song: Kuusou Ryodan by Do As Infinity

~Ruzenka took flight on 20:15

Milk Pocky~~!!!!!

Sweet Milk Pocky! You're an elitist, since you're
not really suited to the American taste. You're
sweet, as your name implies, but sometimes you
do get a little haughty.

What Kind of Pocky are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ara ne...

I want to drink something, I dunno what though... maybe some of those vodka thingies I drank during the adcongress...

~Ruzenka took flight on 00:49

//Tuesday, November 25, 2003//

Agh, poocha, dalawang beses ako nadapa sa same spot ngayong araw na to... tanginang butas yan, nasira shoes ko, buti na lang may mighty bond kundi, tangnang butas sa field yan o! SHET! ARRRGGGHHH!!!! Tapos may lintek na mardi gras pa... mardi pero gaganapin sa thursday, kabobobohan na yan, shet talaga! Bukas holiday pero mukhang papasok pa ko, bwisit talaga!!!

Errr sorry for ranting...

Anyways... Waaiii Shion-sama, Chaos-sama, JR-sama @_@ Waiii~

~Ruzenka took flight on 19:49

//Monday, November 24, 2003//

OMG Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Bose's music will be composed by Kajiura Yuki-sama!!! Waaaaaiiii Shion looks so darn pretty! Much older look ^_^ And waaaaiii Chaos sooo reminds me of Sasarai-sama T_T *huggles Chaos* And JR looks so much older too, waaaii he's so cute >.< WAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

o_o

~Ruzenka took flight on 19:55

Finally, home at last... but I miss being with my classmates in Baguio already. Although I was terribly homesick, I had fun with them and going to places, without anyone restricting us (except teachers whom you don't know if they do care or not)... and wheee I have 2k left (out of my 5k allowance)... yaaaay!!!

Anyway, I'll post more soon after I do my darn reaction paper and fashion design plate -_-;;;

You're a Dream Fairy!

* *What kind of Fairy are you?* *
brought to you by Quizilla

Smirk

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

~Ruzenka took flight on 00:53

	free hosting image hosting hosting reseller online album e-shop famous people